oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
