I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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