um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
