I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
