Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize