To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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