I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
