4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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