i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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