i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
try to milk me bitch
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