so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
