WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
