I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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