You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
