'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
