drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
