nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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