Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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