I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
