Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
