I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
