I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
and you fell through a lawn chair
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
