Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
