All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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