Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
