I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
