A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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