After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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