Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
