I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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