I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize