so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
