I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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