Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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