In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
