It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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