he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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