Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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