My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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