I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
