Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Semen is not good for contacts.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
