the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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