Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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