She's JV to your varsity
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
