everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
