I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
