there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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