saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
