All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
