I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
