party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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