remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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