He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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