My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
