new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
accomplished twins. life is a go
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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