you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
