he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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