if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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