I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
