I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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