You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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