I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
