im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
